Slow as gold cools.

It's another slow evening. I work at at Persian restaurant. I'm a hostess. I strain my smiling muscles, I make my voice like that of snow white, I wrap silverware, and make tea. Oh and I also seat our customers. If there are no customers, there is just nothing for me to do. I didn't realize how pointless my job is. I don't even have to wear nice clothes. I come in with ripped jeans and hickeys everyday.  

My father never spoke one word of Farsi to me. I am a hybrid. I am a central Texan. I am an Austinite. A very sheltered Austinite, infact. The first time I ever tested the waters at Barton Springs was back in 2008. Not too long ago. I don't even like going there. The water is always so cold. And the last time I went to Barton Springs was with completely illusional friends. I hate those people.
Well anyway, hearing my boss's choice of 50's diner music or listening to the repetitive, whining, pathetic lyrics of Persian artists in this restaurant mixed with mundane tasks always makes me want to break a lot of glass. Don't get me wrong. I love my job. I just wish it was a fast pace job all the time. I like speaking to all the different people and hearing all the different voices and demeanors  But when there is absolutely no one here I can't help but sit around and sigh. I won't do the silverware tonight. I work tomorrow morning anyway.

Uncalled for.

I remember one night in Iran, it was about 3 in the morning. I would always spend nights up by myself after I would say goodnight to my grandmother sleeping in the next room. She would take out her hearing aid at night so I don't think she heard me talking on the phone as much as I did those evenings. I would call my friends and give them unwanted updates on how I was doing. I knew an Iranian boy in my school that would always push me away from being friends. We were the only two Iranians in the whole school and I had always wondered why he was so cold to me. Sometimes I would be too oblivious to take the hint. I had hoped to be friends with him in school, and maybe even speak Farsi with him during lunch hour. On that night by myself I decided to call him. I saw that some how I had his cell phone number in my American phone. So I dialed and I reached him.
"I'm calling from Iran right now. I was just thinking about you. I wish you could see everything I'm seeing.How are you?"
"Oh, ok. Well I'm doing dishes."
"Doing dishes? Why? I thought you would be relaxing and stuff,"
"I really should get back to doing the rest of my chores. I'll talk to you later."
"Really? Well when can I call you? I'm free almost all the time. It is vacation you know."
"--Bye Maryam."
I didn't hear the sound of water running or the air in his back ground anymore. "Bye..."
Some people really have issues. I'm probably not one to talk. But that right there, that was really rude. It's kind of hilarious how some people are absolutely repelled by kindness.

Poor years

Man, am I worlds away from where I was the last time I posted here. Graduated, visited Iran a few times. Went through a few relationships. Was kicked out of my parents house a month ago.
I don't think I deserved that.

I seemed to be doing fine. But I'm just incredibly on edge at the moment. I'm kind of going crazy. No TV, no music, no art, no domesticated animal could ever make me feel better right now. I don't want all of those people to be right. All of those people told me that I won't actually be happy where I am now. I have shelter, and a person who cares about me, I have freedom, I have some grass, I even have a cat. I wanted to ride a motorcycle. I even bought one.
Just the weight of that machine threw me off and sent me rolling on my hips upon the asphalt.
I never understood how an inanimate object could bite you in the ass until now.

Maybe someday I can ride in the hill country with my two wheeled screamer from hell.

With the world I used to know in pieces around me, dreaming seems to help me move through the silent moments that everyday includes. And it is the silence that distracts me the most.

same old same old

nothing has changed at all since the last post.

just getting a little tired.

so.. I'm married

ha I'm not really married. but I do think i'm getting engaged next summer. it's what my lovely lover and i really want, and we are so sure about eachother.

I'm starting off another year. again waiting to go to Iran. and it is also my senior year in highschool. I'm not really sure about how others say it's the best year. every new year in high school felt the same. I guess it will be the year I work hardest in, since I was completely distracted last year with a lingering depression and a spell of lazyness.
I really want to make this year at least fun. I'll want to get all A's, do you think that is possible? since I've never had all A's in my life? what ever, I can do it. I've got plenty if time to focus on classes.
At least I have one very good friend to be with.

Ramadan is starting soon too, and I have made a sort of oath to wear complete hijab during my fast. it will be awesome. it would give me a really fresh start, and of course it's good for my soul. and after that I have also promised to not wear revealing clothing.. not that I do, but I mean like shorts. but my shorts are pretty long most of the time. I would like to dress like Alice Glass from Crystal Castles. It's either pants or a pencil skirt and a jacket with a shirt of some sort.
and I want to look nice. this year I was completely tired and messed up and sloppy. but Sophomore year I looked really good. my hair was AWESOME. I had it in a straightened bob and I looked cute. now I have to figure out away to make my hair sleek and together because of how naturally curly it is. having the best cut for it also matters because there are no two days that curly hair looks the same it's always changing. curls work in mysterious ways.

I just realized something

that my whole life has formed who I am.
I actually already knew that. but let me tell you somethings.


so recently I've had thoughts of putting more makeup on, painting my nails, and putting my hair in a certain style that would make others notice me, and I've started trying to talk to others, reaching out to them instead of waiting for someone to say something to me. and even now, after watching equals three =3 and meekakitty on YouTube, which you should search up because there's two people are really awesome, have shown me that people don't have to be assholes and douchebags to put them selves out there and have fun. and it really has surpirsed me how... I want to say not corrupted.. but these are good people! oh my gosh they really are good! if you read my last blog you would understand why i'm so surprised at how decent and kind hearted these people are. but anyways, all of these actions and thoughts point to one thing! but I should give a little history first.

since my entire life, as a member of a modest, Muslim family (which isn't always fun) I have been raised in a way to not bring attention to myself in anyway what so ever to avoid the prying eyes of horny men. I wasn't allowed to paint my nails, no make up, no shorts or tank tops, nothing that would make me pretty. I was taught to look infront of my feet only, and everytime I wanted to say something or sing or dance, or walk upon a stage, or play music for others, my family comes in and discourages me, and because of how obedient I have been taught to be I would silence, halt, stop completely, and cry because I thought I had done something bad. so I never really have ever had the chance to put myself out there. and that's also the reason why I dont know alot of the people in my school even though I have been with them for like 3 years. and I only have one good friend only. I mentioned her in the last blog. so I have decided.

I am going to make a video blog this summer! please wish me luck who ever reads this.

its been so long

hello to anyone who reads my blog


its been


quite a stressful time for me. and things are starting to calm down. During the time frame between today and the last time i posted an entry, i have lost many friends, detached my self from a certain group, and have found one new person who i care about dearly. i would say a potential close friend. finally. some hope for me. everything is so good when im with her, whether we are suffering or rejoicing. a new sister in my life. of course there are some things that she may not understand about me. but i love her anyway, and i'm anxious to become a closer friend to her. please wish me luck.

i have made three paintings while i've been gone. two of which are yet unfinished. one i will finish during the summer, and the other will be finished quite soon.

i hope more people come to read this blog. and if there are any, i hope they comment.