Uncalled for.

I remember one night in Iran, it was about 3 in the morning. I would always spend nights up by myself after I would say goodnight to my grandmother sleeping in the next room. She would take out her hearing aid at night so I don't think she heard me talking on the phone as much as I did those evenings. I would call my friends and give them unwanted updates on how I was doing. I knew an Iranian boy in my school that would always push me away from being friends. We were the only two Iranians in the whole school and I had always wondered why he was so cold to me. Sometimes I would be too oblivious to take the hint. I had hoped to be friends with him in school, and maybe even speak Farsi with him during lunch hour. On that night by myself I decided to call him. I saw that some how I had his cell phone number in my American phone. So I dialed and I reached him.
"I'm calling from Iran right now. I was just thinking about you. I wish you could see everything I'm seeing.How are you?"
"Oh, ok. Well I'm doing dishes."
"Doing dishes? Why? I thought you would be relaxing and stuff,"
"I really should get back to doing the rest of my chores. I'll talk to you later."
"Really? Well when can I call you? I'm free almost all the time. It is vacation you know."
"--Bye Maryam."
I didn't hear the sound of water running or the air in his back ground anymore. "Bye..."
Some people really have issues. I'm probably not one to talk. But that right there, that was really rude. It's kind of hilarious how some people are absolutely repelled by kindness.

Poor years

Man, am I worlds away from where I was the last time I posted here. Graduated, visited Iran a few times. Went through a few relationships. Was kicked out of my parents house a month ago.
I don't think I deserved that.

I seemed to be doing fine. But I'm just incredibly on edge at the moment. I'm kind of going crazy. No TV, no music, no art, no domesticated animal could ever make me feel better right now. I don't want all of those people to be right. All of those people told me that I won't actually be happy where I am now. I have shelter, and a person who cares about me, I have freedom, I have some grass, I even have a cat. I wanted to ride a motorcycle. I even bought one.
Just the weight of that machine threw me off and sent me rolling on my hips upon the asphalt.
I never understood how an inanimate object could bite you in the ass until now.

Maybe someday I can ride in the hill country with my two wheeled screamer from hell.

With the world I used to know in pieces around me, dreaming seems to help me move through the silent moments that everyday includes. And it is the silence that distracts me the most.

same old same old

nothing has changed at all since the last post.

just getting a little tired.

so.. I'm married

ha I'm not really married. but I do think i'm getting engaged next summer. it's what my lovely lover and i really want, and we are so sure about eachother.

I'm starting off another year. again waiting to go to Iran. and it is also my senior year in highschool. I'm not really sure about how others say it's the best year. every new year in high school felt the same. I guess it will be the year I work hardest in, since I was completely distracted last year with a lingering depression and a spell of lazyness.
I really want to make this year at least fun. I'll want to get all A's, do you think that is possible? since I've never had all A's in my life? what ever, I can do it. I've got plenty if time to focus on classes.
At least I have one very good friend to be with.

Ramadan is starting soon too, and I have made a sort of oath to wear complete hijab during my fast. it will be awesome. it would give me a really fresh start, and of course it's good for my soul. and after that I have also promised to not wear revealing clothing.. not that I do, but I mean like shorts. but my shorts are pretty long most of the time. I would like to dress like Alice Glass from Crystal Castles. It's either pants or a pencil skirt and a jacket with a shirt of some sort.
and I want to look nice. this year I was completely tired and messed up and sloppy. but Sophomore year I looked really good. my hair was AWESOME. I had it in a straightened bob and I looked cute. now I have to figure out away to make my hair sleek and together because of how naturally curly it is. having the best cut for it also matters because there are no two days that curly hair looks the same it's always changing. curls work in mysterious ways.

I just realized something

that my whole life has formed who I am.
I actually already knew that. but let me tell you somethings.


so recently I've had thoughts of putting more makeup on, painting my nails, and putting my hair in a certain style that would make others notice me, and I've started trying to talk to others, reaching out to them instead of waiting for someone to say something to me. and even now, after watching equals three =3 and meekakitty on YouTube, which you should search up because there's two people are really awesome, have shown me that people don't have to be assholes and douchebags to put them selves out there and have fun. and it really has surpirsed me how... I want to say not corrupted.. but these are good people! oh my gosh they really are good! if you read my last blog you would understand why i'm so surprised at how decent and kind hearted these people are. but anyways, all of these actions and thoughts point to one thing! but I should give a little history first.

since my entire life, as a member of a modest, Muslim family (which isn't always fun) I have been raised in a way to not bring attention to myself in anyway what so ever to avoid the prying eyes of horny men. I wasn't allowed to paint my nails, no make up, no shorts or tank tops, nothing that would make me pretty. I was taught to look infront of my feet only, and everytime I wanted to say something or sing or dance, or walk upon a stage, or play music for others, my family comes in and discourages me, and because of how obedient I have been taught to be I would silence, halt, stop completely, and cry because I thought I had done something bad. so I never really have ever had the chance to put myself out there. and that's also the reason why I dont know alot of the people in my school even though I have been with them for like 3 years. and I only have one good friend only. I mentioned her in the last blog. so I have decided.

I am going to make a video blog this summer! please wish me luck who ever reads this.

its been so long

hello to anyone who reads my blog


its been


quite a stressful time for me. and things are starting to calm down. During the time frame between today and the last time i posted an entry, i have lost many friends, detached my self from a certain group, and have found one new person who i care about dearly. i would say a potential close friend. finally. some hope for me. everything is so good when im with her, whether we are suffering or rejoicing. a new sister in my life. of course there are some things that she may not understand about me. but i love her anyway, and i'm anxious to become a closer friend to her. please wish me luck.

i have made three paintings while i've been gone. two of which are yet unfinished. one i will finish during the summer, and the other will be finished quite soon.

i hope more people come to read this blog. and if there are any, i hope they comment.

doroughu

i can't lie.
i really can't lie once i think about it.
but then i can when i need it a lot.

I remember a year ago, on a Sunday. Sundays. Those kinds of days where its the nicest day but you gotta sit down and do what ever last minute school things your miserable teachers had to give you on Friday. On that Sunday i had an essay to write, over due geometry work, a dumb Spanish cross word that was as fat as a quiz grade, a painting that was half done, promised to finish it by Monday morning, and texting friends buzzing at me to come with them in the afternoon. all of these little demands were tugging at the stem of my brain. My legs and arms sprawled upon the carpet, my eyes were stale from staring, and then i heard my fathers foot steps. i knew what they meant. He stomped around the corner, huffing and glaring at me with the same brown eyes he gave to me. Standing over me, i could feel that question. I was getting ready to hit that right beat, jump and dive at that split second. if i didnt get it right, if I studdered, if i let my face do what it wanted.
"You got homework to do?"
And between the pocket of space and air of his question and my answer, i could feel all the stuff inside my shell of skin, my organs, my veins, my bones, my muscles, sucking in to my esophogas tangling inside out, coming together, in the back of my mouth and over filling on top of my tongue, like i was going to throw it all up. A tumor of pressure in the front of my brain, my face wanted to spread, my eyes wanted to widen. I threw the most innocent emotion i could find into the eyes my father gave me, making them pure as honey. my lips barely parted i thought it was all going to pour out, until my weightless tongue tap the fleshy roof of my mouth, my lips barely pucker o, the answer,
"No."
The quivering gore inside my throat was gone. In the sight behind my eyes, I saw all the homework, the painting, the paper full of scribbles and final strokes of the brush.
"Its all finished." I mouthed.
The strings under my fathers face loosened, his eyes went back into his head. "Alright." He waddled away.

Lying is almost the hardest thing to do for me. When i watch another person lie, its as if the akwardness of saying nothing but empty air was a parasite growing on their soul. Some lower their heads and glare with their backs lifted to make them look bigger, "No i didnt. What are you talking about?" Some widen their eyes, brows push up ward together, little lip, "How could you say that? I would never do such a thing." With a voice like little bo peep. They make themselves believe the lie, they imagine it in their mind, in the sight behind their eyes, and decorate their emotions to look as true as possible, make it closest to the true human fuel. But it's just empty air.

When another lies to you, at your face, if they're weak you can tell the emotion they present to you doesn't match the way you've known them. Some keep their eyes tied to yours, some look to the side and you can see the thoughts "keep looking at her, don't be a pussy, she can tell."Some you can just bust through them. With an off beat question they collapse. It takes a sort of strength to lie.You can't be a transparent image, you have to be the thick paper, the pigment, the shapes, you can't be empty air. You have to be able to hold it up. You have to be able to pull it out. You can't be empty air.