ramadan.

It's getting pretty close to the end of Ramadan. I really can't wait to start eating again but I'm not completely sure if i actually gained anything good from this. Again, i talked about it to some people today. OK i argued. I can't really explain the feeling i get when I'm fasting and i see other students happily eating and giving away food, throwing it at each other, wasting it. I only feel that way because I'm so hungry.

At lunch I sit with a bunch of indie guys who do all sorts of drugs, so they've got all sorts of stories to tell. A few girls sit with us from time to time, I'm kind of the only one those guys like only because I don't talk much, more like I don't blab about where the other girl bought her shirt or how long it takes to do my hair or even mention anything about a menstrual cycle. Today one of the girls, that a lot of people constantly try to avoid, decides to sit with us. Mona, I don't know why Mona continues to sit with us, I mean the guys tell her she's fat, ugly and stupid and all she says is "I know." I really want to just slap those boys and give Mona some social lessons. A guy named Jim pulls out an unusually large apple from his back pack and shows it off to everybody. I too marvel at the apple and say "organic." I had to finish an assignment so I went back to studying and trying to find out vocabulary words that I just could not find in my book, that damn world history teacher wares us out by putting in words that aren't even mentioned in the book. I finally notice that what words i'm supposed to define are about تخت جمشید (takht jamsheed, Persian empire ruins in Shiraz) I didn't know the real story about it, so I decide to read my text book for the first time in a long time. And then I remember why I don't like reading them anyways. It made the stories of history sound boring and deplorable, and the information didnt sound completely true. Cambyses surely had a better reason to let the empire fall upon its self and get attacked around the same time. My attention to the book is gone when i notice Mona takes a half eaten apple and chucks it straight at Trevor, i think because he said something sexist. Of course he threw it back. So they kept throwing it at each other and i kept watching. It was a perfectly good apple. There was still meat on it. It was dirty and it had a hair on it but it still looked so good. I wanted to lash out at them about how they could waste such a good apple until Jim gets to it first when it rolls over to him. "Is this my apple?!" Everyone stops and looks at him. We all laugh because of how pissed off he is. "That's my only lunch! That was all i had! That apple! You guys are so stupid!" He pushes the apple off the table and he's just sitting their bitching about it and Mona and Trevor are blaming each other calling each other stupid, ugly, and fat. All of this noise. I'm still staring at that apple through the holes in the table like a fence to heaven. It's disgusting, its covered with dirt, its open meat is becoming apple sauce and turning brown, but i still wanted to eat that apple. So what I do next is completely unthinkable to everyone. I stare at Jim and stand up a little. " You think you're starving?! You think you're dying of starvation when I've been having to fast this whole month?!!! How much power have i got when i sit here watching Trevor and Mona and you bitch about a dirty apple for ten minutes when you should have eaten the damn thing with gratefulness and there wouldn't be an apple to throw!!!"

Everyone just stared at me after I shut my mouth. I had never been so vocal toward them ever before. I look around an notice other kids were watching too. and i notice that because of that action that i took in gods name....


my soul turned a little whiter this month after all.

if you plant this seed, will a pomagranate grow?

I'm 15 at the moment. I'm at a growth point where everything about life is awkward and I'm still asking all these questions about where to go next. I try to be as independent as I can but I sometimes can't help but look for some one to listen to before class starts. School seems so easy now. The teachers practically lay a sidewalk for me to pass on to the next grade. Everything in my atmosphere has seem to have lost its importance or has become of a lesser value, except one thing....

I'm currently waiting to leave this country for the summer. I'm leaving for Iran. A place that the people of my country knows nothing about. I came back from there about two months ago. I remember when I was told that we were leaving for Iran I had a split personality. Half of myself didn't want to go, she cared too much about keeping a tight grip on the unsteady foundation of her friends and the sentimental things she would find in her pocket or pick up off the ground all the time. And the other half....she wanted to go, she was happy to know that she was leaving this dump for a while. After having her heart waiting for someone who broke his promises and always for got about her. Her heart was more than open to this opportunity. Ever since I stepped onto that first plane, ever since the first hug or kiss was given to me, ever since I saw Iran with my eyes open for the first time. That second half of me turned into a whole.

Before I left to come home I promised to each one of my family members that I would know Farsi by the time I come back. I'm trying really hard to keep that promise. I know a lot already. My aunts and uncles and cousins have noticed more improvement in my voice every time they call my cell phone. I just have trouble trying to remember all the words I write down. Index cards seem to help but I never have time for them. I only have time for online lessons by Hassan H. I carry my Iranian date book in my back pack at all times, so when ever I pull it out to study or try to write a sentence that I have been trying to put together other students look at me and say "What the hell are you writing?" I always ask them "What did you say?" untill they ask me with respect. It shows how important this is to me. Sometimes I spend hours at school remembering the people I love and planning out how I should do things in order to get my self to iran. I need achieve three things so i can go to iran next year.

1. I need to pass all of my classes
2. I need to learn farsi
3. i gotta have the heart
   

Surely if I complete these three tasks I will prove to everyone that I deserve to go to Iran again.