R U OK?

I'm terribly sorry that i haven't put up the sketches from January. I should have time to do that later on today.

This morning i woke up and i felt like my head was about to explode, because i have this massive headache, and my nose is stuffed up, and i think i may have strep throat. But it's ok, because when ever i get sick or have some respiratory problem (it's not a chronic thing like asthma, but i say respiratory problem meaning that the cause of my sickness keeps me from breathing correctly, so i'm ok.) it's usually at its worst in the morning and as i gradually become awake i feel better but through out the day i always have to be sniffling and sneezing and of course an occasional cough but with some mercy, there is no pain in my body, unless i stubbed my toe or something (why does that hurt so much?!). I haven't been sick in about...4 months. Usually i can go a whole entire year with out becoming sick. But what i have learned in my health class is that being overstressed for a long period of time can start to ware down your body. i was like, WHAT? you can actually get really sick from stress? yes. And i look at the events and actions i make that are very stressful for me and i realize that is probably why i am sick now, of course i can't over look the fact that i sometimes eat off of my best friend's food and also that i'm so short some really tall people have to bend down and they get too close so they breath on my face to talk to me :\ heh you know i offer alot of gum because of that reason, HAH! ohh i made another joke about tall people. Since tall people are so tall they take in a different type of germ in the air than the people that are shorter than them! haha that's why i'm sick today!.......but no, really.

So events that have stressed me out:

Yesterday i had an art competition with students in the vicinity of my city. That's always really hard to go through, getting your art work set up, trying to find out why you did your art, and then having to talk to a JUDGE about it while your bull shitting through the whole thing when you explain what you know about art and personal expression, which is nothing! It may not sound hard but really it is. but anyway, i entered two art pieces in to the competition and got a gold medal for both of them. That is the best you could do, but the bonus is getting a gold medal AND being told that your artwork was so good that you get to compete against other artists in your STATE! and after that if you get a gold medal and win state then you get to compete in your COUNTRY! and then if you do win that you get to compete against THE WORLD! haha na i don't know about the world but there have been some national young artist winners.
I was really trying really hard to keep my cool through the whole thing.
i saw some very professional looking art! I couldn't believe my eyes with some of the stuff i was seeing! There was so much art my neck was starting to cramp up from looking at all of it, so after seeing all of that i decided that i should work on my next vase piece as early as this summer.

School has been very busy. only because i spent all my time working on the art competition.
I chose my classes for next year.

I am trying out for percussion marching band (only because of the Physical Education Credit) because i have always wanted to play the drums plus i get to go to all of the football games and i am also getting into a more challenging english and history class. Regulars just make me become lazy.

Not in any scheduled order

0. Zero hour percussion
____________
1. math
2. science <=core classes that i must take
3. english
4. history
____________
5. Spanish
6.Art
7. off hour

and i can just take my other art class at a community collage on saturdays (which means i need a car!) if i need a speech credit or if i want to go get a job for my off hour.

i love to write....about myself.

Untitled

When people don't listen to me it gets me really mad. When they say they'll listen to me and then they turn it into one of their own problems. Why people who know who i am, they know my name, they've known me for a while, but they don't talk to me. I hate that feeling. When I'm not with my friends and I'm by myself, the feeling of desperation, like i need to be with someone, like I'm afraid to be alone, that awkwardness. It makes me feel insecure, puny, like i can't handle life? Like I'm not strong enough to handle bitterness.
I look at freshmen kids and popular students whine to their friends, "No! Please don't leave! Forget about your parents, what about me? I don't want to be alone!" I roll my eyes and pity them. They're so weak. They can't handle being by themselves, they always need someone with them. They want to create artificial memories with so-called friends. And then i look at myself when i don't want to be alone anymore. How could i be so hypocritical? How could i be such a wretch? I feel like no one likes me, like no one's interested in Gray Maryam.
No body wants to hear my stories of Iran, no body wants to hear how my mind works, no one thinks I'm that cool or hip or colorful. All they can see is some one who walked out of a black and white T.V., someone who talks about the same thing over and over again, someone who doesn't smile enough, someone who can't talk correctly, someone who can't laugh, someone who's not intact like everyone else.
When will i meet someone who's like me? When will i meet someone who's gray like me? When will i find a friend who will be with me through rainy days and clear nights? Someone who i could never get tired of, someone who gets me, who speaks my language, who can help me with it? Is there anybody out there that hasn't smoked weed? That hasn't gotten drunk? That hasn't had sex? That's my age and won't ever ditch me for something else? Who understands my story? Who understands my hate and love? My dreams and my hopes?
And then i can only look in the mirror for someone just like that. I and only I, can understand myself. But then i stand back and see... I'm alone again.

Leash

I am so tired of people telling me what do to, what i can and can't do, where i'm gonna go, how i should do things, and what they think of my opinions. I need to get away. i want to jump out of a window, break into someones car, hot wire it, and drive far far away from all of these chains. Maryam do this, it's good for you. Maryam don't do it like that, you'll ruin it. Maryam you can't go there, i won't let you. Maryam shut up, i don't want to hear you anymore.
My parents, my teachers, my friends, people i just barely met. They all want me to do something, they won't let me do something, they want me to stay, they want me to leave, they want me to turn off my music, they want me to stay clean, to go get high, to do what they do, to try something stupid, to cheat on the love of my life?! All this influence, all this command, all of this control, i'm like a cheetah in a cage. How could you catch me? How could you restrain me? Can i run away? Can i say what i want? Can i be where i love? Can i be with who i love? No, not in real life.
Only the dark walls of my slumber can close me off, only dreaming and sleep can fly me away. Everyone knows i love to sleep, everyone knows they shouldn't bother me when i sleep. No one knows where i am; No one knows who i'm talking to; No one knows what i'm doing in my sleep, in my mind, in my own shell. My being, my essence, my very sole. Sleep is my shield, sleep is my curtain, sleep is my skin. I wish i could sleep for a week, i would go every where, i would talk to everyone, i would do anything i wanted that could damage the shell, my body. There are no limitations, there are no paper walls, everything you could ever want is there in your sleep.
Not a care, not a fear, not a worry in existence. But where i am now, my story, my fate, i must not indulge.
"I shouldn't oversleep...for my dreams will never come true."


Art in the next post....whenever i get to it.

-maryam