نقاشی

so i have decided to do something fun. Since i am an artist and I tend to release my emotions through any out let that i can find. One of my outlets is drawing. I have a sketch book that i draw a lot in. It's fairly new so there are plenty of pages for what i want to do with it. What i have observed from my actions in this journal is that in the time period of one month i draw on one single page until it is full and it usually fills up when the month is done. So i will scan and post the pages here on my blog for every one in the entire world to see! Yea, they're not my best drawings, they are SKETCHES! so they can be UGLY!

(click to enlarge, they will be very LARGE)

Here is page: DECEMBER 08


and: NOVEMBER 08




of course in these sketches there are subliminal messages and people that i draw from my life.

other things: tomorrow is the last day of the year 2008. I'm going to go watch a giant wooden clock get set on fire by the HIKE AND BIKE TRAIL

so tell me.....

it's very cold here. Where i am. I can almost not get over it, i don't understand, i used to love the cold!

My winter break is going by nicely. I remember the first few days i thought i was forgetting something like homework or just papers that i had to read from school, but no! Nothing! i had remembered that no work was given to me on the week of testing. So now i'm feeling less stressed out and more energized and happy. Also my 10 year old sister had received her Christmas present early. She got a Nintendo Wii from my mother. She just screamed when she saw it, it was pretty funny. I started playing it and now its been since Saturday evening that we've been playing non-stop. but all that kind of stops in 16 hours...

So tomorrow i have to go to corpus for Christmas, it's something we do every year since my mothers family lives there. But it's something i've come to dread as i have gotten older. Corpus Christi is a run down city that's slower than barnacles on a surf board. And since its close to Mexico it starts to look like it. Old gross houses with planks of wood and metal bars screwed on the windows, dogs and cats walking around, and the weather is hot, muggy and humid all the time because of the sea. I hate this city and i don't know why people continue to live in it. Now i kind of understand why my mother would come up to austin every now and then to visit a friend, or more extreme,why she moved to MINNESOTA after the divorced her other husband.

So Christmas:
As i get older i start to enjoy it less and less. I kind of doubt that its because i realize that there is no Santa Clause. But Really, if i don't enjoy time with my family then what is there to look forward to on Christmas? My relationship with my father has gotten better over the last year or so. I think it's only because i'm giving into my Iranian side and finally opening my eyes, sometimes loving Iran more than he could(or so i think), still we argue and he still gets mad at me from time to time but i don't get scared or feel like i can't look at him in the eye when he is near anymore. My mother.......my mother. Things are often difficult with my mother now...it's never really been this way before, but we have let it sit and grow for two years. When i speak with her(or rather, when she speaks at me) i sometimes see her like and old thing, i don't know what sort of thing, some times its a doll, a boat, a door, or a tree...yes a tree would be good for explaining..so a tree. When i am with my mother, i listen to what she says and i think of an old tree with parasites and bugs and ants eating the inside of her. And people have ripped off her bark and carved bad words on her, graffitied on her, burned her, and her leaves are gray and falling off and her branches often hit people in the face or tear peoples skin if she is climbed on. I try to distance myself from her to avoid arguments or conflicts but then she accuses me of being a bad person or me being antisocial and hating my own family. But please enough of that, i will start to spiral into a depression if i continue about that!

I guess Christmas would be a whole lot nicer if i spent it with people that actually like me and that i feel the same way towards them. but still i will give you this....

{xxX:Merry Christmas:Xxx}
2008

november fortune cookie

ok so one day 4 of my friends were having lunch. 3 guys and one girl, it was her first day coming back to our school. (i dont have their lunch period but you'll understand why it might have to do with me later) they were serving Chinese food in the lunch line, so some one kicked a fortune cookie at my best friends feet so he picked it up and put it in his pocket. When they sat down outside to eat the girl drew a sun and a flower on one of my friends arm. Now my best friend who had the fortune cookie decided to eat it now. and what the fortune said was:

"Flowers need sunlight,
and friendships need compassion."

They all freaked out and started screaming because of what had just happened! So when my class had ended i saw them waiting for me. They told me about what had happened and i was astonished! I just screamed when i saw the arm! My best friend who had kept the fortune in his pocket pulled it back out to show it to me and the fortune was GONE! instead what it had written on it was:

"You will soon receive a pleasant surprise."

so then we all freaked out even more! I had to get to my other class and so i said bye and started walking. On my way there i couldn't stop thinking about it, i walked across the teacher parking lot and what i saw on the ground was something glistening in the asphalt. I looked closer and it was a diamond! My mom is a jeweler and she checked it and there it was a real diamond. I was so creeped out then i didn't know what to do i still have it but i don't know what it means or anything, its been about 6 weeks since that happened and nothing about it has brought our attention to remember it.



other things: i finished my sculpture. I had been working on it since early November. It's a sculpture of my best friend Cameron. In my years of ART i have learned something important, that if you are to draw or create something wonderful it must be something that you enjoy very much...




Of course the scoaring on his head is gone now, i needed to hollow out the clay head but other than that it looks perfect now.

I had my final exams this week and now i have THREE ENTIRE WEEKS OF NO SCHOOL
heres what i did yesterday.


walking to McDonalds with my 3 best friends.

today was fun.

Ok so, today i had my first driving session with my driving teacher. I must say that it was so much fun and i love driving a lot now. I do need practice on my turning and some fine tuning on minor stuff. But really I'm pretty good for my first session. Idk my dads side of the family, at least the males, are a pretty good bunch of drivers. And im sure driving in IRAN(Pahahahaha) would help me out a lot!

So other things,

i went through another depression this week, as seen in the last blog. I got over it and i started seeing some noticeable changes in the way i react to things now, or just my entire outlook on life. It's like every wave of depression that would come and wash me up i would grow a little older now. I seem more like an adult now. I've almost completely lost my 7th grade girly attitude, i'm not as naive as i have been. and over the last 6 months i have changed into a completely different person. i am more like a woman. I remember a long time ago i was observing myself. i noticed that i had done something in the same fashion as i had did a year ago during the time. i realized that as a child my entire being and mind was like an untouched clay piece and what ever made an imprint or changed the shape a little, as time passed, the clay would form something out of whatever had touched it. And now that i'm older it seems as though that clay peice has almost gotten its basic structure, and the artist already knows what it wants it to look like but still has other ideas in mind. I am a little more than half way of seeing my true shape


i think sculpture class has really gone to my head.

just trying to be happy again...

I'm trying to start a band with two of my friends. I think it would be a really good sound, with my voice, zachs guitar, and d'nells child hood piano skills, i think we could make something pretty smooth. I've been listening to the honey trees lately and they've certainly inspired me to pick up my guitar again.

I have seemed to develop an occasional wave of depression. This week has been rather gloomy. I don't understand completely why i can't seem to stay thinking positively. When i really feel sad or unmotivated to keep going i try to think about happy things like seeing my family in Iran again, or a brand new guitar, or money, or chocolate, but then i get another thought in my head saying that "Even though i'm dreaming about these things to make me happy i still don't have them in real life and most of these things i never will have them," and it makes me feel even worse than before. Nothing really makes me happy anymore except talking to my friends or my loved one. But i can never see enough of either of them. I'm alone mostly the entire time at school and money is such a problem when it comes to international calling cards. Life is so easy but my mind is so dependent on everything and if its not satisfied then it falls apart. I feel like i'm not a part of my own mind anymore. I'm tired of having to deal with its traumatic response to things. Like i've been cut in half separating the bad part of my self and im stuck in my body with it.


so i suffer.