Untitled
When people don't listen to me it gets me really mad. When they say they'll listen to me and then they turn it into one of their own problems. Why people who know who i am, they know my name, they've known me for a while, but they don't talk to me. I hate that feeling. When I'm not with my friends and I'm by myself, the feeling of desperation, like i need to be with someone, like I'm afraid to be alone, that awkwardness. It makes me feel insecure, puny, like i can't handle life? Like I'm not strong enough to handle bitterness.
I look at freshmen kids and popular students whine to their friends, "No! Please don't leave! Forget about your parents, what about me? I don't want to be alone!" I roll my eyes and pity them. They're so weak. They can't handle being by themselves, they always need someone with them. They want to create artificial memories with so-called friends. And then i look at myself when i don't want to be alone anymore. How could i be so hypocritical? How could i be such a wretch? I feel like no one likes me, like no one's interested in Gray Maryam.
No body wants to hear my stories of Iran, no body wants to hear how my mind works, no one thinks I'm that cool or hip or colorful. All they can see is some one who walked out of a black and white T.V., someone who talks about the same thing over and over again, someone who doesn't smile enough, someone who can't talk correctly, someone who can't laugh, someone who's not intact like everyone else.
When will i meet someone who's like me? When will i meet someone who's gray like me? When will i find a friend who will be with me through rainy days and clear nights? Someone who i could never get tired of, someone who gets me, who speaks my language, who can help me with it? Is there anybody out there that hasn't smoked weed? That hasn't gotten drunk? That hasn't had sex? That's my age and won't ever ditch me for something else? Who understands my story? Who understands my hate and love? My dreams and my hopes?
And then i can only look in the mirror for someone just like that. I and only I, can understand myself. But then i stand back and see... I'm alone again.
Leash
I am so tired of people telling me what do to, what i can and can't do, where i'm gonna go, how i should do things, and what they think of my opinions. I need to get away. i want to jump out of a window, break into someones car, hot wire it, and drive far far away from all of these chains. Maryam do this, it's good for you. Maryam don't do it like that, you'll ruin it. Maryam you can't go there, i won't let you. Maryam shut up, i don't want to hear you anymore.
My parents, my teachers, my friends, people i just barely met. They all want me to do something, they won't let me do something, they want me to stay, they want me to leave, they want me to turn off my music, they want me to stay clean, to go get high, to do what they do, to try something stupid, to cheat on the love of my life?! All this influence, all this command, all of this control, i'm like a cheetah in a cage. How could you catch me? How could you restrain me? Can i run away? Can i say what i want? Can i be where i love? Can i be with who i love? No, not in real life.
Only the dark walls of my slumber can close me off, only dreaming and sleep can fly me away. Everyone knows i love to sleep, everyone knows they shouldn't bother me when i sleep. No one knows where i am; No one knows who i'm talking to; No one knows what i'm doing in my sleep, in my mind, in my own shell. My being, my essence, my very sole. Sleep is my shield, sleep is my curtain, sleep is my skin. I wish i could sleep for a week, i would go every where, i would talk to everyone, i would do anything i wanted that could damage the shell, my body. There are no limitations, there are no paper walls, everything you could ever want is there in your sleep.
Not a care, not a fear, not a worry in existence. But where i am now, my story, my fate, i must not indulge.
"I shouldn't oversleep...for my dreams will never come true."
Art in the next post....whenever i get to it.
-maryam
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